Greenwich Village Loses Its ‘Idiot’
Columns
The Idiot could be counted on as the perfect antithesis of the ever-increasing numbers of sleek and trendy bars that have encroached on Greenwich Village and the gritty meatpacking district.
7.27.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Freakatorium: A Better Place for Your Tourist Dollars
Columns
A Better Place for Your Tourist Dollars
Does it matter if any or all of these are authentic? No.
7.13.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Moore the Merrier: Why NYC Rightfully Hates the GOP
Columns
In New York City, even our Republican mayors are pro-choice and march in the gay pride parade. New York City is one of the last places in the country that the Republican Party should ever consider holding its convention.
6.29.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Latter Day Saints in Our City of Sin
Columns
That the LDS Church would thrive in New York City seems almost counterintuitive, yet the church says that its missionaries in New York City are about as successful as they are anywhere else in the U.S.
6.17.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Wounded Inwood Will Have Its Revenge
Columns
My remote pocket of woods is now the scene of a heinous crime. A place that was once a pleasant escape from the prying eyes of the real world is the scene of the ugliest the world has to offer.
6.1.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Bicycles on Parade, Bicycles on Film
Columns
Matt checks out the Fourth-annual Bicycle Film Festival.
5.18.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
My Grandmother Is the Greatest
Columns
My Grandmother raised seven children in New York City beginning in the late 1940s and continuing well into the 1970s.
5.4.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Great Manhattan Hamburger Hunt
Columns
Sorry, if the burger costs more than $10 as a plain burger, it won't make any self-respecting New Yorker's list.
4.20.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
A Scam Grows in Brooklyn
Columns
The plans are the work of unscrupulous real estate developer Bruce Ratner, a politically well-connected businessman who wants to build a sports arena, parking lot, and bouquet of skyscrapers where more than 1,200 people now live.
4.6.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
It Was Nice To Meet You, Goodbye Forever
Columns
We come across people that make such a positive impression on us that the vastness of the city adds a tragic sense of loss to the affair.
3.23.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
City Sidewalks, Cluttered Sidewalks
Columns
But cars, cracks, dog poop, and deadly volts of electric current are the least bothersome obstacles to New York's pedestrians. The biggest obstacles by far to getting around New York on foot are the multitudes of people.
3.9.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Cell Phones, Pay Phones and Our Wacky Wireless World
Columns
For some reason the powers that be have rigged the public pay phones to automatically shut down after 15 or 20 minutes. Maybe it’s to cut down on people who steal calling cards and use them to phone relatives in Brazil or Russia. Maybe it’s another anti-drug dealer measure that cracks down on thick-tongued, slow witted, or stuttering drug users who can’t place their orders quickly enough.
2.24.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
A White Nigger Buys a Hot Dog
Columns
All races of people are equally hideous, but each in their own special way. When I worked at a department store, I had a lot more respect for the ghetto blacks who came in and shoplifted directly than the well-fed white housewives who bitched and nagged to get discounts they didn’t deserve.
2.10.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Movie Theater Etiquette
Columns
Here is something else that some of my fellow New Yorkers don't seem to understand: when the movie starts and it is late, you bite the bullet and sit in the front of the theater.
1.27.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
4:20
Columns
I snapped out of it and found I was laughing hysterically at something. My brother was leaning close and was talking right into my face. "Now do you see why I smoke this shit?" my brother asked me. "Now do you see?"
1.13.2004
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
A San Francisco Christmas
Columns
My brother isn’t used to entertaining family for long stretches at a time, and my being in San Francisco for a week and a half certainly put a strain on his already thin patience.
12.30.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Talking with the founder of the White Aryan Resistance
Features
And while I reject racial militancy and don't abide by his beliefs, I find Metzger infinitely less loathsome than so many two-faced whites who denounce racism until they're blue in the face but wouldn’t live within ten miles of a minority neighborhood.
12.15.2003
Talking to People We Hate
Wrestling Leaves the Elks Lodge
Columns
It looked as if some of the audience members paid $25 for no other reason than to hurl abuse at people. The irony of watching professional wrestling and merciless heckling underneath the Elk's mottoes of 'Brotherly Love' and 'Charity' was almost enough irony to be worth the price of admission alone.
12.9.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The God of Prospect Heights is Dead
Columns
"Up and coming" is a phrase that well-off white people use when it becomes fashionable to move into a minority or working class neighborhood.
11.25.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Cable Access TV is Taking Over Manhattan
Columns
It's fantastic that the cable companies that charge us exorbitant amounts of money to bring us reruns of '7th Heaven' have to shell out to bring us drag queens, radical political fanatics, and unadulterated pornography.
11.11.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Extreme Sports New York Style: How to Cope with Subway Surfing
Columns
A better idea might be to let the engines of capitalism turn Subway Surfing into a legal sport. Think of it: ESPN could broadcast the subway surfing championships and subway surfers can quit breaking the law and getting themselves killed and train professionally and have a career.
10.28.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Our Favorite Civil War: Yankees (Good) vs. Red Sox (Evil)
Columns
If having loudmouthed imbeciles for fans were a chief ingredient to sports victory, the Red Sox would never lose.
10.14.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Four Weddings and No Funeral, Yet
Columns
I don’t have a wife to object to my joining the circus or the navy or the Mafia or the French Foreign Legion or to stop me from parachuting from the Empire State Building hijacking trucks, poaching endangered species, or becoming a bounty hunter or tattoo artist or professional wrestler.
9.30.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Man in Black
Columns
Johnny Cash songs are some of the finest I've ever heard, full of heartfelt songs evocative of poverty, sin, and rebellious angst.
9.16.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Never Mind the Mistakes, Here's Why I Still Love the Sex Pistols
Columns
While I can't say I felt cheated, I was disappointed at the Pistols, who have been my musical idols for 15 years. The only reason for this was lead singer John Lydon, who messed up the words to every single song.
9.2.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
A Blackout Tour of Manhattan
Columns
People began leaving the building very quickly. No one said outright that they suspected the blackout was a result of a terrorist attack, but an ominous feeling hung thick in the air. The last time this many people had to walk home was on September 11th.
8.19.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Visitors from the Suburbs
Columns
There's nothing that will frustrate you more than sharing a sidewalk with hundreds of corn-fed Middle Americans who have no clue where they're going.
8.5.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Downtown on Lockdown
Columns
How can we say the terrorists aren't winning when the American people can't go into the Statue of Liberty, the White House, or New York's City Hall?
7.22.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
In Memoriam: G.G. Allin, Not Quite Polite New Yorker
Columns
"Whatever gets you off, that’s what you should do," Allin told a television audience shortly before his death.
7.8.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Yankee Adventures in Dixie
Columns
I saw gaggles of fat mothers and fathers wearing fanny packs and I thanked whatever god there is that I moved back to New York and away from the suburbs. I guess they were happy, the way cows are happy before being slaughtered.
6.21.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Countess and other Quadruped New Yorkers
Columns
"Eat it," I tell them. "Scoop it up and eat it all or you're brains will be all over the street." I grin as they quickly scoop up and gobble down the dog shit. They're starting to gag but don’t dare throw up in front of me. Justice has been served.
5.31.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Subway Treats and Travesties
Columns
New York's subways can be intimidating to newcomers, but once you ride them a little while, they are a great key to the city.
5.17.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Rev. 99: Get Out of the House and Watch Some TV!
Features
Cue the music, turn on the TV, and get ready for a political message or two: it's Rev. 99.
5.12.2003
Shady and the Atomic Star Monkey
Columns
My brother got a drum that Christmas. He started playing and never stopped. My brother is a brilliant musician. He can play almost anything on the drums and can even play some other instruments.
5.3.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Vive le France
Columns
If it were not for America, France would have remained part of the Nazi Empire. If it were not for the French, the Unites States would still be part of the British Empire. I can't tell which would be worse.
4.19.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
These Irish Eyes are Frowning
Columns
"The English and Americans dislike only some Irish - the same Irish that the Irish themselves detest, Irish writers - the ones that think." -- Brendan Behan
4.5.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Demosthenian
Columns
"One thing you should know," an older member told me soon after I joined. "If there is every an opportunity to debate something, Demosthenians will always debate it." And so it was and is. In Demosthenian, even parliamentary procedure is a cause for passionate argument.
3.15.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Columns
Peace is the Word
3.1.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
He Comes from the '80s: Von Von Von
Features
"Actually my real name is Von Von Von Von Von. We shortened it. My manager said that the American attention span is abominable."
2.17.2003
My Burgeoning Career in Punk Rock
Columns
The Spunk Lads play regularly in New York City, having come of age as a band playing bills with The Clash, Dead Boys, Subway Sect, The Damned, The Slits, and other punk greats.
2.1.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
Profiling, Racial and Otherwise
Columns
Stopping and frisking Blacks and Hispanics in search of a Black or Hispanic suspect is not racial profiling. Racial profiling is perfectly acceptable when used on white folks unlucky enough not to have dependable drug contacts.
1.11.2003
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
The Rapper on the A Train
Columns
I still like rap but I find that a lot of what is made today is either crossover crap like Puff Daddy or sloppy 'Gangsta' rap that can't hold a candle to NWA.
12.22.2002
Notes from a Polite New Yorker
eXtreme Elvis Comes to New York
Features
"I conceived of a character through which I could express all of the feelings I had about the world that otherwise expressed in a different voice would get me in a lot of trouble. And of course eXtreme Elvis still gets in a fair amount of trouble."
12.14.2002
