Smith Street
Columns
She asks me if I've written my column yet, my last column, and I tell her I haven't. She tells me not to give out her age, like she always does, and I tell her that there's no way I'm going to use space in my last column to tell the world that she's 52.
We're not the only ones to love Leitch -- so does CNN and the AP. We'll all miss Will. But buy him and keep him forever.
Life as a Loser: 200th and final column.
3.29.2004
Life as a Loser
A Conversation between my Mother and I about Catholicism (With my Side in Italics, so I Look Smarter).
Features
Then you joined the Catholic Church after a "spiritual awakening," whatever that is. I'm happy for you. It's certainly improved your life. But why would it make a difference to me whether anyone I hang out with is Catholic? You see, Ma ... I'm not Catholic.
3.24.2004
Talking to God
Exhuming McCarthy
Columns
My fantasy at 15, when it was late and it was just me, was not of fame and fortune, was not of large-chested women covered in oil, was not even of playing catcher for the Cardinals. My fantasy was having a woman I could hold and tell her how much I loved her.
3.22.2004
Life as a Loser
What Shall Last
Columns
Imagine that. Imagine being able to read about your grandfather’s life, and his times, from when he was in his mid-twenties. His fears, his hopes, his dreams; by the time they read these, they will know the ending of the story in a way the author does not. They will have a tie to their roots, a little sliver of understanding of what has helped make them who they are.
3.15.2004
Life as a Loser
The Shuttle Bus
Columns
When I moved to New York, I had the idea it would be a non-stop playground, a party with fellow dreamers and drifters that lasted all night, every night. But I never party all night in New York anymore. I only do that when I'm out of town, visiting friends, parlaying them with often-fictional stories of my crazy Gotham life. They look at me and wonder if I drink and goof around like this all the time. I do not.
3.8.2004
Life as a Loser
The Bride's Head, Revisited.
Columns
For the last couple of years, I've simply used the story just as a wacky introductory anecdote. I wasn't really scratching it. I haven't really gone back and looked at how it effects me now, other than as a glib pop psychology ("... and that's why I started writing a Life as a Loser column. fin.")
3.1.2004
Life as a Loser
Warfare, And Its Ultimate Implementation
Columns
Imagine a football game with no scoreboard, no overriding authority and no rules: That's what arguments are like. The only people who can bring about an end to the battle are the participants, which is a recipe for trouble, every time. By the end of the game, half the players are paralyzed, the score is still tied at zero and not a second has gone off the clock.
2.23.2004
Life as a Loser
Greetings From Hawaii
Columns
I really can't overstate how beautiful it is here. What's the best way to put it? When I left a piece of bread out for a couple of days too long and it molded, it actually grew pineapples.
2.16.2004
Life as a Loser
Thespian
Columns
The most useless piece of advice anyone can ever give a person is to "be yourself." Be yourself. Just ... Be ... Yourself. This is horseshit of the highest order. I can't think of a single function in life where just being yourself is appropriate.
2.9.2004
Life as a Loser
Chelsea
Columns
The point is, no gay man with any self-respect would waste a half second looking in my direction. Gay men, after all, are simply men. Men are shallow, base creatures. You see attractive women dating shlumps all the time, but when's the last time you saw a decent looking guy with a dumpy woman? Never, that’s when. It's wrong and terrible and unfair, but it's true, because men are superficial pricks.
2.2.2004
Life as a Loser
What's Happening To My Body?
Columns
The Nova special seemed far too fascinated with this particular shot; they slowed it down and reversed it several times. Even if I hadn't been a 14-year-old kid petrified that his parents were going to find out he was a chronic masturbator, it would have been disgusting. I still have nightmares about it today.
1.26.2004
Life as a Loser
Confessions of a Feeble Mind
Columns
Yes. Of course. I have shed my evil ways. Those are long-past transgressions. I am a grown man now, with more firm loyalties, with deeper feelings, with a better understanding of what I want and need. I am attempting to reclaim my soul.
1.19.2004
Life as a Loser
The Office, Reloaded
Columns
Let me tell you about the Gramercy Tavern. It is one of the finest restaurants in New York City. It's the type of place patronized by old guys in tweed jackets and bow ties. When you look it up in the Zagat's restaurant guide, it’s actually flashing red and beeping: OUT OF YOUR PRICE RANGE. RELENT. RUN TO FREEDOM. Something as simple as a lunch would run be about 50 bucks a plate. And that’s where Jill wanted to go.
1.12.2004
Life as a Loser
Dr. Shipman's Office, This Is Will
Columns
This went on and on, for months and months, patient by patient, as I lost sight of any life I'd had before, any pretensions of being a writer, a little bit of me dying with each one of them. My temp job had become something much bigger, and something that I was becoming increasingly aware was outside of my capacity. I could not do this much longer.
1.5.2004
Life as a Loser
15 Percent
Columns
I was tempted to jump into the famous Mr. Pink explanation in Reservoir Dogs (“Two words: Learn to fucking type!”), but Jill was dangerously close to scooping out my esophagus through my right nostril. So I backed off, and explained how I always tipped 15 percent, unless someone was horrible, in which case I’d drop it down to 10. Then she grabbed the butter knife and started throwing shrimp tails at me.
12.29.2003
Life as a Loser
The Christmas Neighbor
Columns
After we discarded the boxes and wrapping paper and bows and ribbons, my dad, after fixing a Bloody Mary, asked, offhand, looking out the window into the distance, as if this was the last thing on his son's mind, if anyone would be interested in taking the motorcycle out for a spin. I sprinted across the linoleum floor and grabbed his leg. Me! Me! I would be interested! Me!
12.15.2003
Life as a Loser
Last Man Standing
Columns
I'm not sure if it's some biological clock thing, or more guys realizing that once they trick a woman into liking them, they should just hang onto them while they can, or whatever. But it's true, in New York at least: I know a lot more single women than I know single men.
12.8.2003
Life as a Loser
Arthritically Hip
Columns
Let me tell you about life as an urban twentysomething. Let me tell you about the non-stop insanity, the constant chaos, the perpetual pandemonium. Let me tell you how wild it gets here, in New York City, the home of dreamers, miscreants and mad prophets. Let me tell you how we live.
12.1.2003
Life as a Loser
Lower Learning
Columns
I'm particularly confused by people who study English or literature in grad school. The only way to become a better writer is by reading all the time, and writing all the time. Sitting in a brown classroom discussing what Jacob was going for with his short story about her java-swilling lesbian sculptor and her "complicated" relationship with her mother and their pensive little brother is a Waste Of Time.
11.24.2003
Life as a Loser
Hotel California
Columns
In a way, staying in a hotel is every single guy's dream. You can be a complete and total slob, and no matter how disgusting you are, someone you don't know will clean it up for you. (It's strangely calming to be able to pee on the lid without any repercussions.)
11.17.2003
Life as a Loser
I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot For This Muffler
Columns
My father particularly loves his ability to haggle with merchants to get a good deal. To my dad, Heaven is in the parking lot outside Busch Stadium, half an hour before a Cardinals game. He'll put on a pair of Oakley sunglasses -- "if you're wearing shades, he doesn't know what you're thinking, and you have the advantage" -- and start scoping out the area for scalpers.
11.10.2003
Life as a Loser
The Courtship of Leitch's Father
Columns
I don't buy it that shit for a second. Never have. They'll deny it to the day they die, but if my parents met any other way than by stumbling drunkenly into each other at some kegger, I'll eat my shoe.
11.3.2003
Life as a Loser
The Right Field Dad
Columns
In Yankee Stadium, he was a peculiar presence everyone tolerated, even cheered along side, when we weren't busy stifling any notions of taking offense.
10.27.2003
Life as a Loser
Toxins
Columns
I panicked, of course. I drove immediately to the local head shop and bought every piss test bypasser I could find. In the next 24 hours, I drank six different nasty concoctions, usually purple, with little chucks of things floating in them. I stayed up all night and drank about four gallons of water, and I wore four layers of clothing, as advised by the manual, to help any "toxins" exit my system.
10.20.2003
Life as a Loser
The Proper Authorities
Columns
"I want to talk to you about law enforcement. What you're doing is criminal. You should be arrested. You should know that I will be contacting the proper authorities." He then shifted slightly to his right and lurked backwards slowly, almost floating, his eyes locked on us, his disgust and fury palpable.
10.13.2003
Life as a Loser
The Big Red Tag
Columns
We're hated, we know it and we wouldn't have it any other way. Find a journalist who truly values being liked by the people he writes about, and I'll show you someone who will be working in public relations within three years.
10.6.2003
Life as a Loser
The Ongoing Postgame Report
Columns
Look at that friend you emailed just now. What connects you with that person? How'd you meet them? What keeps you two connected? Do you even think about it? Do you even need to? It's as natural as breathing, the background static that we don’t notice but keeps the phones working, the lines open, the trains running on time.
9.29.2003
Life as a Loser
Weight Watcher
Columns
And now, heck, I'm a member. Seventy bucks a month worth of a member. The goal is to just run on the treadmill four times a week while watching Sportscenter in the mornings. Will it work? Do I have the willpower to do it? Can I pull it off? Well, it certainly beats arguing with my girlfriend on the extent of my grotesqueness.
9.22.2003
Life as a Loser
Interns
Columns
Before I could even stop myself, I bellowed. "Hey, I could still go to a wet T-shirt contest!" It was an exclamation, at a volume entirely inappropriate for the setting, though, to be fair, there probably isn't an appropriate setting to suddenly scream about wet T-shirt contests. At a rodeo, maybe.
9.15.2003
Life as a Loser
Moth, Meet Flame
Columns
You have to understand the way things work out here. In New York, when you're 28- years-old, you haven't even started your life yet. In Mattoon, it feels like it's already over.
9.8.2003
Life as a Loser
Oregon Trail
Columns
I know that I'm being crotchety. Every generation says the ones that come after them are somehow more shiftless and pampered than ours were. (For the record, instead of playing PlayStation 2 as a kid, I watched "As The World Turns" and played Strat-o-Matic in my room. So, you know, I was pretty active.)
8.25.2003
Life as a Loser
Idiot Box
Columns
I wasn't trying to make any statement by not having a television; I just didn't trust myself. With my television in the front room, I was spending a frightening amount of time falling asleep on my couch to reruns of ER
8.18.2003
Life as a Loser
Keep Going
Columns
A smart person said once that the worst thing you can say to someone under the age of 30 in New York City is, "You will never be famous. Let it go." It’s a cold-blooded, cynical, joyless thing to say, even more so because it’s heartbreakingly true.
8.11.2003
Life as a Loser
Celebrity
Columns
What do I remember about Tom and Nicole? Well, the obvious stuff: She was about a foot taller than him, they were surrounded by security people and they scooted out before the closing credits.
8.4.2003
Life as a Loser
Standing In Line At The Port Authority
Columns
Keeping children organized and well-behaved in an endless line, in a public place, is like trying to push an elevator button with your flaccid penis.
7.28.2003
Life as a Loser
Aloha, Graduates
Columns
I basically would try to snap her bra from the back and put wadded-up notebook paper in her hair, and then sprint off when she realized it was me. It was smooth.
7.21.2003
Life as a Loser
On The Eve of a 10-Year Class Reunion
Columns
The scary part is realizing that no matter what you do, no matter what you have or have not accomplished in your life, every single person in the room at your reunion is going to see you as the same schmuck you were 10 years ago.
7.14.2003
Life as a Loser
Snap Me Perfect!
Columns
Or do I just want a nostalgic look back and a time when anything looked possible, when nothing could not be overcome, when I was hopeful and wanted to believe everything would be OK?
7.7.2003
Life as a Loser
Bill Lumbergh
Columns
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I'm quite certain life was not meant to be lived through an Excel spreadsheet.
6.30.2003
Life as a Loser
Parents Rule
Columns
Mom's making fun of Dad's recently developed beer gut, Dad's making fart noises and blaming them on her and they're just like a couple of kids so comfortable and enamored with each other you feel like you stumbled across them on their honeymoon.
6.23.2003
Life as a Loser
How to Become a New Yorker
Features
You could have told me that, upon entering city limits, you were required to attach anvils to each nipple, and I would have thought "Hey, that’s New York!" No inconvenience was too much; it's New York!
6.18.2003
Quarterlife Crisis
Take Your Summertime, and Cram It
Columns
If you're thinking of going to a public beach, allow me to provide you with an alternative: Just shit in the tub, and then lie in it for a couple hours. Same experience, and you don’t have to leave your house.
6.16.2003
Life as a Loser
The Breakthrough
Columns
She had recently been frolicking on the beach, and she had just the right amount of sand sprinkled all over her, strategically placed for maximum impact. She did that for me. She did everything for me.
6.9.2003
Life as a Loser
Observations On Las Vegas
Columns
In the movies, everyone in Las Vegas is gorgeous and tramped-up, the beautiful babies prowling the night in search of high rollers. In reality, everyone is merely tramped-up.
6.2.2003
Life as a Loser
Up All Night
Columns
And there, on page 5 of Diversions, was a review of Woody Allen’s Manhattan Murder Mystery, written by ... Wil Leitc.
5.27.2003
Life as a Loser
Roy Orbison Is a Damned Wussy
Columns
When I was a kid, I used to cry all the time. If my sister was making too much noise, if my mom made me eat a brussels sprout, if I struck out in the final inning, anything was grounds for loud, relentless wailing.
5.19.2003
Life as a Loser
The Leitch's Las Vegas
Columns
Besides, nothing assures you'll stay out of trouble in Las Vegas than knowing, eventually, your father will be in your room, waiting to shake his head disapprovingly.
5.12.2003
Life as a Loser
Headbanger's Ball
Columns
At school dances, when "Kokomo" or Bryan Adams' "Heaven" would come on, I would ask a girl to dance, and when she said no, I would ram my face into the cement wall.
5.5.2003
Life as a Loser
A Spoonful Weighs A Ton
Columns
For an hour of my life, I levitated above the crowd like Elijah rising. It was as if the band had taken 10 years off and decided to devote a show exclusively to Will Leitch.
4.29.2003
Life as a Loser
That Shirt Would Look Nice on My Floor
Columns
I mean, who says "you have the most beautiful eyes in this bar" with a straight face? Come on. After millions of years of evolution, when we've put a man on the moon, this is the best we've come up with?
4.22.2003
Life as a Loser
All That She Wants and Needs
Columns
The list of interests I don't really hold but have pretended to for women--no, have convinced myself to--is endless. I've acted like I actually understand and enjoy the music of Phish. I’ve fooled myself into believing that a vodka cranberry is a perfectly acceptable beverage for a man to drink.
4.15.2003
Life as a Loser
A Full Life
Columns
But I never did leave. I fought through it, and found a better job, and settled my life down, and realized that New York isn't just a big playground, a grownup Disneyworld, for me to play with and discard as I saw fit.
4.8.2003
Life as a Loser
We Got Game
Columns
I enjoy my job, even when I struggle at it, because my co-workers are friendly, competent people, and I’m always learning something new, a vastly underrated virtue. But I hadn’t played basketball with them; in a way, it was almost like, until that happened, I wouldn’t really know them.
4.1.2003
Life as a Loser
The Eternity of Kevin Jones
Columns
In life, he was one of many; in death, he rose up, a singular entity, worthy of studious remembrance and commemoration. Kevin was no longer an anonymous face in the crowd; he had become the crowd.
3.25.2003
Life as a Loser
The Pathetic Scorekeeper
Columns
"Will, if they ever have a draft for scorekeepers, you'll go in the first round." This proclamation was welcomed with grunts and chuckles. When I’ve told this story before, I’ve made myself into some sort of dugout Dorothy Parker.
3.18.2003
Life as a Loser
Xenophobe
Columns
Our country is Howard Hughes, alone in an airtight room, paranoid about germs, growing a three-foot long beard, rich enough to enjoy the privilege. We might not be right, but darn it, we have the right to be wrong.
3.11.2003
Life as a Loser
Living Vicariously Though Max
Columns
My friends got old too, and now when we have a rare night of all-night revelry, we pay for it for about a week afterwards. It used to be that 50 percent of my income went to cigarettes and booze. Now it goes to bookshelves and 401k plans.
3.4.2003
Life as a Loser
"Mr. Leitch, If You Were a Flower, What Kind of Flower Would You Be?"
Columns
It is not surprising that my mother reports he's been having trouble sleeping all week, he's so conflicted about the interview. Telling my father he has to sell himself to someone is like asking a cow to play the piano.
2.25.2003
Life as a Loser
For Graduation, My Friend Gave Me a Hummer
Columns
Parked before us, like some freshman had just pulled in and left it there before heading to a goth party across the street, was a 10-foot long, eight-feet high, camoflauged, with a camper and everything ... military Humvee.
2.19.2003
Life as a Loser
This Is the Day That Hallmark Hath Made
Features
But we should do a lot of things. The irony of having a day devoted to love is that, in practice, it becomes the one day a year we try not to think about love.
2.14.2003
Even Swarthy Minions Must Eat
Columns
This is the trap they have set for us. They make us feel guilty for wanting a brief taste of it all, for dipping our wick in their world ever so briefly. How dare they!
2.4.2003
Life as a Loser
Bust a Move
Columns
Imagine if a big red light went off above your desk every time you stopped working for a minute. Your office would look like a strobe-lit disco club.
1.28.2003
Life as a Loser
The B-to-G Ratio
Columns
Nothing is too miniscule or frivolous for my planner; flipping through the other day, I discovered that August 15 is the one-year anniversary of seeing the White Stripes in concert. That information will undoubtedly come in handy somewhere.
1.21.2003
Life as a Loser
We Want The Wind!
Columns
...essentially, the soon-to-be-newlyweds were in charge, a couple of college kids playing dress-up, planning and organizing a completely adult activity, showcasing how worldly and mature we were.
1.14.2003
Life as a Loser
Whimper Fi
Columns
He had the strangest speaking voice; he was a Marine, so he had definitive oomph behind his grunts, but, again, that tiny twinge of fey was plain and obvious. It was surreal. This Marine was barking a lisp.
1.7.2003
Life as a Loser
Dive In
Columns
In a place where a late subway train messes up a social calendar for a week, a steady snow pouring is enough to convince everyone to crawl into a hole -- more accurately, their studio apartments with half the space taken up by the sink -- and shiver until this damned act of God has passed.
12.9.2002
Life as a Loser
The Kid's Table
Columns
And here my friend, who once fell asleep on my couch in a pool of his own drool after a few too many Bud Lights, is living the American Dream.
12.3.2002
Life as a Loser
One More Cup of Coffee For the Road
Columns
This was a test for myself, one last week of struggle, something to never forget, something to put in the pocket of an old coat and discovered years from now with a fond smile. This was a project. This was life as art.
11.26.2002
Life as a Loser
Frozen Tundra
Columns
He was coming toward me. What now? I hadn't tackled anyone who wasn't a blood relative before. What to do? On instinct, I ran toward him and POP! I just drilled him. He went down in a flash.
11.19.2002
Life as a Loser
Conversation Between My Mother and I About Catholicism (With My Side in Italics, So I Look Smarter)
Columns
"Mom, I was 15. There were so many sins of the flesh I hadn't even heard of yet."
11.12.2002
Life as a Loser
Decade of Decadence
Columns
I was, well, I was a 16-year-old dweeb who was the captain of his scholastic bowl team, wore a feathered mullet, and had kissed two girls.
11.5.2002
Life as a Loser
Mattoon to Methadone
Columns
But it still sucks that every smoke break I take turns into a journey into the heart of darkness.
10.29.2002
Life as a Loser
Cologne
Columns
I can't smell and I've never been able to smell and it's really not a big deal because I have no idea what smelling even is.
10.22.2002
Life as a Loser
Good Lord My Internet Server Is Down, Will I Ever Be Whole Again?
Columns
Who am I if I am not an AOL handle? If I am not williamfleitch@yahoo.com, what is it I have become? My link to the world, the one outside of this office, where people create and envision and dream and hope, it no longer exists.
10.15.2002
Life as a Loser
There He Goes
Columns
When you sit across from someone every day, when they're as much a part of the scenery as the coffee maker or the elevators, you don't think of them nearly as often as you should. They are just simply there, reliable, like the guy who makes your coffee every morning or the same crossing guard by the school, 7:30, every day, friendly wave, off we go, best to you.
10.8.2002
Life as a Loser
Verse Chorus Verse
Columns
Sure, we've changed. Nirvana is classic rock now. But Kurt is as woven into the fabric of our lives as our first date, or our first love, or our first death in the family, or our first broken heart. Or did you forget?
10.1.2002
Life as a Loser
Clock Punching
Columns
What amazes me sometimes is how people who claim to hate their jobs can't stop talking about them. One would think that if someone were miserable at their job, it would be all the more reason to shut it out of their mind when they go home.
9.24.2002
Life as a Loser
Atrophy, Decay and Rot
Columns
A friend once pointed out to me that the only aspects of medical prevention I've ever explored were condoms.
9.17.2002
Life as a Loser
Null Set
Columns
Believe you me, I'm looking, and I'm telling you, there's nothing. It is not affecting me. I want to bash my face into the wall. I want to set my leg hair on fire. I want to scream until my throat turns raw and bleeds. Something has to really hurt, right?
9.10.2002
Life as a Loser
I Think We're Alone Now
Columns
I've discovered the joys of just not caring.
8.27.2002
Life as a Loser
Meltdown
Columns
It is as if New York City is lemon juice to my family's invisible ink. All that is ugly and underneath, typically unseen, emerges when the combustible elements are introduced.
8.20.2002
Life as a Loser
We Are Searching For Bliss
Columns
I want to run down the street naked covered in apple butter and chocolate sprinkles. I want to do a somersault into a newspaper stand. I want to stretch a Slip-N-Slide to Connecticut and douse it with Oil of Olay.
8.13.2002
Life as a Loser
High Pains Drifter
Columns
You're reading a column by a former homeless guy.
8.6.2002
Life as a Loser
Leaving It All at the Altar
Columns
Three dudes, with everything paid for, with endless fountains of alcohol, dressed up real nice and ready to stir up some shit.
7.30.2002
Life as a Loser
My Charlie Sheen Move
Columns
Will has no chance. It's like she came here to attack someone, and she chose him. You were a Dead Man Dancing.
7.23.2002
Life as a Loser
Honkytonkin'
Columns
In Matoon, beer is everywhere. I went to a post-service "mixer" at my mother's Catholic Church, and they had a keg.
7.15.2002
Life as a Loser
A Loser's Introduction
Columns
As Will Leitch ditches out on his weekly column to toss back a few Natty Ices in rural Illinois, we've dug out his original column that introduces the whole concept of "Life as a Loser."
7.9.2002
Life as a Loser
You Want an Alpha Male? You Got Him
Columns
Who wants a sniveling girly-man who needs constant reassurance? Girls want men, dammit!
7.2.2002
Life as a Loser
Nice Place to Visit. Wouldn't Want to Live There
Columns
You like me, don't you? Of course you do. I won't allow you to do anything else. I am in control of this situation. It is an easy control, smooth, you don't even know I'm doing it.
6.25.2002
Life as a Loser
A Grand Experiment in Crazed Time Wasting and Frightening Self-Indulgence
Columns
Unfortunately, I have no idea if the afterlife is like this. As far as I know, it's utter blackness, or, even worse, a television that only plays CNBC. But my general principle stands: I want to remember it all.
6.18.2002
Life as a Loser
Walking Contradiction
Columns
Now, people not from New York don't really understand this sometimes, but here, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk is like someone braking their car in the middle of the freeway.
6.11.2002
Life as a Loser
Neurotic N'Awlins
Columns
This is the Old West crossed with Caligula. This is a city full of Penthouse Forums. In New Orleans, Satan is mayor, and the city council president is the Marquis de Sade.
6.4.2002
Life as a Loser
Sex Musings
Columns
...is it better to have had some play and lost it, than to have never had play at all?
5.28.2002
Life as a Loser
Why My Friends Hate Me
Columns
As anyone who's ever been in a serious relationship knows, sharing your life with someone is hard work. As far as I'm concerned, it's always worth it, but that's difficult for someone who hasn't had sex in two years to understand. They just can't figure out why you'd skip the Celtics/Pistons game to stay in and watch "Riding in Cars with Boys" while rubbing your girlfriend's feet.
5.21.2002
Life as a Loser
Get Smart
Columns
We all had that one person in our class who was a straight-A student, was involved in all the extracurriculars, was accepted to a fancy private school, and typically wore her bra backwards.
5.7.2002
Life as a Loser
Backwards, It's "Morp"
Columns
So we were essentially cats in heat about to be released from a locked room. And the analogy is apt; to me, prom meant one thing, and one thing only. Prom was when you lost your virginity.
4.30.2002
Life as a Loser
Reflections on Matoon
Columns
We have three houses that are rumored to be haunted. We have a crazy old lady who spray paints curses about her ex-husband on her front door. We have three trailer parks. We often are hit by tornadoes. We are Mattoon. We are every town, and we are only ourselves.
4.23.2002
Life as a Loser
Me, Tim, and Woody
Columns
No one had inspired us more than Woody Allen. If we were going to head out into the real world, where there were scary people and new happenings and separation and all that piss and shit, we were going to go down fighting, and we were going to bring Woody with us.
4.16.2002
Life as a Loser
Here Comes the Snide
Columns
The notion of marriage becomes a little less foreign by the day, but it's still way outside of my frame of reference. Most of my friends don't even date and wouldn't know how to pick up a girl at a bar if she was a robot specifically programmed to hit on them.
4.9.2002
Life as a Loser
Short, Paxil-ated Rant
Columns
I just don't see how life got so difficult that we needed some outside agent to help us control it. People...life is hard. It's really awful sometimes. Isn't that the point?
4.2.2002
Life as a Loser
