Here's something fucking brilliant.

In response to the FCC's decision not to fine NBC over pop-star Bono's F-bomb during the live telecast of the 2003 Golden Globe awards, two congressmen have introduced the Clean Airwaves Act, pretty much nipped straight out of George Carlin's infamous seven dirty words act.

Seeking to clarify the United States Code that calls for fines on broadcasting obscene, indecent or profane language, Republicans Doug Ose and Lamar Smith wrote this, House Bill 3687: "The term profane, used with respect to language, includes the words shit, piss, fuck, cunt, asshole and the phrases cock sucker, mother fucker and ass hole, compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle and infinitive forms.)"

Well I know fuck-all about hyphenated compounds, but I'm sure as hell glad that I can still bust out with "Cock lick!" whenever I win a Golden Globe. I am however incensed that they included both the word asshole and the phrase ass hole, thereby rendering me speechless if Courtney Love ever wins an award and I want to shout, "Don't be an ass, Hole sucks!"

Smith and Ose have also proposed that the obscenity fine be raised tenfold. Instead of $27,500 for each offending broadcast, the FCC could levy a fine of $275,000 for each utterance of shitpissfuckcuntassholecocksuckermotherfuckerorass-hole. They figured the higher fine would be in order since mega media conglomerates like Clear Channel make an assload of money.

Isn't it a beautiful, poignant statement about our great U.S. of A. that the problem addressed would be seven little nasty words and not the fact that seven huge nasty companies have been allowed to take over the huge majority of our public radio waves and television channels?

If KnotMag were regulated by the FCC, this story so far would cost its kind editors almost $5.8 million. I would venture a guess that that kind of fine would render us NotMag. For Clear Channel, which owns more than 1,200 radio stations and dozens of TV stations thanks to the FCC's big deregulation move a few years back, that would be less than 1 percent of the entertainment giant's quarterly earnings.

The whole cock-suckin' mess started with U2's frontman. (And that goddamn foul-mouthed Irishman's probably being played on at least 100 Clear Channel stations at this instant.) Bono proclaimed the band's Golden Globe victory "fuckin' brilliant" on live television last January, thereby sullying millions of American youth who were peacefully sitting in front of their televisions to watch hours of blood baths, scab eating and good clean music videos.

But what really pissed off congressmen Smith (some mother-fucker from Texas) and Ose (a California cock-sucker) was the FCC's "surprising and nonsensical" ruling in October that Bono's slip didn't violate federal decency standards because, in Smith's words, it was used as an adjective.

That's not exactly what the FCC said, but the interpretation goes a long way toward explaining the bill's second parenthetical insert. As if anyone from Texas knows what the fuck a gerund is or could use piss as a participle.

The FCC's actual judgment said the most versatile four-letter word in the English language "may be crude and offensive, but, in the context (used by Bono), did not describe sexual or excretory organs or activities."

Witness your tax dollars at work.

On his Web site, Congressman Smith explains that the FCC has given too much power to TV and radio stations to broadcast anything that they believe will bring in high ratings and advertising dollars, which of course leads to "a further deterioration of our culture."

He warns: "We must protect our children from obscene, indecent and profane speech on television and radio broadcasts. Parents should not have to cover their children's eyes and ears every time they turn on the TV."

The whole piece of shit mess leaves me with two nagging questions:

Since when do you cover your kids' eyes when someone yells mother-fucker?

And how much would I be willing to pay to have been at this cock-sucker's house during the Super Bowl halftime show?