We all know that there are wacky and zany Internet sites out there to be found and exploited... but who would mind a little nudge toward the truly entertaining? That's right. NOBODY, that's who (Dammit people who run these pages, we're advertising for you, so chill baby)! So, being that we (Knotmag) are strapped for humorous content and are, "not cool" we decided to impart upon you some of our favorite neighbors. You know, because we're on the Internet... and THEY'RE on the Internet... neighbors... whee. The most amazing factoid about this story? Only one of the sites explicitly involves pornography! That means we're legitimate journalists now.

How often have you wanted to hear a woman (man) lustily say...well, anything? Yeah. Me too. That'd sure be nice. There's still no way to do that without a credit card and a telephone, but there is a site that'll give you a damn close facsimile: Text to Speech, an AT/T site will sound out any submitted words or gibberish using the "voice" of a male, female or-get this-CHILD. Just had young Johnny urinate on your leg? Force his cyber-brethren to worship you as his god, Nemorph.

I happen to originate from Jamestown, North Dakota, but I understand that in other places people aren't as "hip to it" or "phlegmatic" as we North Dakotans. For you troubled souls comes: Da Ebonics Page, which if used for good, not evil, just might save this planet from bigotry and hatred. All sorts, not just Black/Whitey. Don't question it, either...it don't take no shit from the likes of you, because the white guy from Kansas who designed this page would likely, um, appreciate the attention.

Now, if you're like me (and we know that to be true, don't we Sally?) you'd love to prove yourself in the world of Theology but just don't have the time or patience to sit through years and years of Theological studies and/or Seminary school. So what do you do? You take the route of Chris the DJ from Northern Exposure. He, if you remember, became a minister through an advertisement in the back of Rolling Stone. Well that same process has been sped up with the Internet Superhighway, my friend (lifepartner). Universal Life Church spells relief for those priestly itchin's o' yourn. Believe it or not, with this certificate you are allowed to perform any religious ceremony whatsoever, as long as it in no way harms the person you're performing it on/for (yes, that means no Bris Milah's). Thought you couldn't consecrate wine or bread just like those stuck-up Catholics? Think again! Knock yourself out. With this certificate (conveniently printed off of any computer in your first sitting), you create a veritable "God Hotline."

And finally, ALT.com is a page for alternative lifestyles. EXTRAORDINARILY ALTERNATIVE. The only web page to actually make me cry, so it deserves to be here. No further comment.

*Note: Statements concerning Chris, Northern Exposure, Rolling Stone, any sort of Internet Superhighway, Catholicism and God Hotlines may or may not be true.