My running mate must:

___ be tall

___ be athletic

___ be handsome

___ He shouldn't have too many moles

___ Look good in a pair of running shorts

___ knows how to smile

___ have good teeth

___ like to take good care of his hair

___ have very, very good hair

___ Like, the hair's gotta be just silky, you know? Like when you run your fingers through it, you just sort of ... fall in love.

___ Did I mention handsome?

___ It can't just be average good looks. More like "wow, who is that incredibly suave and gorgeous white man?"

___ He, uh, has to be white.

___ Most own several pairs of dockers. And they must be wrinkle free.

___ Must know how to look into a camera and tell a story about himself.

___ His image must say: I am here to run your country. And ladies, after dinner, I am here for any other kind of running you desire.

___ Must be able to fake having read a long book. So that when he's at a book reading, and someone asks, "Have you read that book?" My running mate can say: "Oh yes, I have." And then coolly add: "And may I have your number?"

___ Must know how to look wife coolly in the eyes and shoot finger pistols at her, and say, "You feeling lucky tonight? You must be, if you get to sleep next to me."

Damn, how am I going to find someone just like that?

March 12, 2004

Kerry names his mirror as running mate.