Dear Readers,

I continue to be fed up with your pathetic, squealing letters, complaining that our brilliant contribution to this magnificent site is nothing but "toilet humor." Seriously, there is no such thing as "toilet humor." Or at least if it is, it's a woman thing-they don't let me near their toilets anymore.

I will tell you this much; from 1976 to 1993 from 6:00 a.m. until 3:25 p.m., there was no "toilet humor" for the chicks, either. Nope, no "toilet humor." Simply: "toilet insight." And poop. But mostly insight. Well, no, I suppose there is more poop, isn't there? Ah well. A goodly amount of insight in that toilet room albeit not more (per capita/metric tons), than poop. In fact, you don't have to be anywhere near a toilet to be a party to "toilet insight," you simply have to mention something that has to deal with the toilet room (bathroom, dum-dum). I recall, late last July, a conversation had with fellow toilet visitors (visitor du toilette = French). We were enjoying another scrumptious meal at the old Midwestern standby, Perkins-me with my small appetizer sampler with monkey dish of honey mustard nearly polished off. At or around this time, one of the two fellow toilet visitors, we'll call him, er, David H., brought up a very thought-provoking, altogether "toilet-worthy" question: When wiping, did I swoop toward or away from the nads? Needless to say, because of my respect and admiration for science and study, as well as sweet David H.'s ass, I answered immediately: "Towards!!! Whee."

Never have I seen David H. so crestfallen. His image of me had been ruined. He was and is a lifelong backward wiper. This intrigued me greatly. Our other fellow, "Daniel R.," had habits even stranger than mine. He makes two piles, one of which is for the initial attack (away from nads) and another for the reversal (nadward).

So, fellow readers, this is what I ask of you. E-mail us. It's not hard, (I'm impotent), just click on one of the handy hyper-links and reply to me. How do you wipe? Why? How did your understanding of cleanliness come about? Why can I not get a date? Do I smell? Is it bad that I'm Polish? Do you know the difference between Polish and polish? Please reply immediately.