Flamboyant pseudo-Mexican news journalist Geraldo Rivera has once again succeeded in becoming the news instead of reporting it. Last week, while on location in Fairfax, Va. covering the saga of the Beltway Sniper for Fox News, Mr. Rivera nee Rivers allegedly signed autographs at a Fredricksburg, Md. Hooters Restaurant. Bystanders at the scene reported that Rivera signed not only scraps of paper and baseball hats, but also the curvy rear ends of some of the waitresses.

A Fox spokesman said the Hooters autograph session was part of a wider Rivera autograph spree. "He was all over the place. He was giving autographs at the Waffle House next to the gas station, he was giving autographs to Spotsylvania sheriff's deputies, he was giving autographs to truck drivers."

Mr. Rivera loves to steer the spotlight his way when covering a news story. And this is not the first time he has attempted to deflect attention away from a national news story and bring it back to him - sometimes doing even more bizarre and unsettling antics than signing autographs on the backsides of Hooters waitresses.

The Weekly News Douche has obtained copies of some of these reports. TWND also attempted to interview Rivera for this piece, but he refused to comment. Instead spokesperson for Rivera insisted on commenting about the cases we've presented here:

April 20, 1998
Littleton, Colorado

On location after the Columbine High School tragedy, locals reportedly saw Mr. Rivera wearing a tee shirt that said "Mustache Rides for A Dollar" while interviewing the victims' families. In fact, one eyewitness said he saw Rivera conduct many of his long "interviews" in a secluded wooded area near the high school.

Rivera's spokesperson said the tee shirt was part of a wider mustache ride spree.

"He was all over the place. He was giving mustache rides at the Waffle House next to the gas station, he was giving mustache rides to Littleton sheriff's deputies, he was giving mustache rides to truck drivers."

April 19, 1995
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

After the bombings at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, Mr. Rivera, with full media entourage in tow, was scene making obscene gestures using a corn dog to show up some of his rival journalists. According to one witness, MSNBC's Brian Williams was so incensed by Rivera's antics that he ceased reporting the story for the network. Rivera apparently sent Williams a box of corn dogs the next day with a handwritten note that read "You Suck Cow Tits". A spokesman for Williams said the annoyed news anchor had "no comment whatsoever" in regards to Mr. Rivera's goading.

Once again, Rivera's spokesperson said that the Rivera's antics were part of a wider corn-dog-giving spree.

"He was all over the place. He was giving corn dogs at the Waffle House next to the gas station, he was giving corn dogs to Oklahoma City sheriff's deputies, he was giving corn dogs to truck drivers"

Oct. 14, 2001
Jalalabad, Afghanistan

While on location in Tora Bora as a Fox News correspondent covering the War on Terrorism, Rivera became friendly with many of the Afghani troops who were fighting along side American soldiers by telling them outrageous stories about supposed sexual flings he's had with many of TV's top news journalists and personalities. According to one soldier whose ear was bent mercilessly by the bed-hopping reporter, Mr. Rivera spoke graphically about sex romps with Dianne Sawyer, Ashleigh Banfield and Greta Van Susteren. In one of his more shocking admissions, Mr. Rivera stated that he'd even performed the kinky sexual act known as "The Donkey Punch" on Barbara Walters, who apparently "could not get enough of it".

A spokesman for Rivera said (surprisingly) that it was part of a wider donkey punch spree.

"He was all over the place. He was giving donkey punches at the Waffle House next to the gas station, he was giving donkey punches to Tora Bora sheriff's deputies, he was giving donkey punches to truck drivers"