CLAIRE

So I got laid off on Friday, which definitely wasn't tons of fun, especially since I couldn't eat meat or chocolate. I spent most of the weekend moping around, feeling sorry for myself, and I happened to read an article right after I was laid off about how going to church or temple or what have you is very good for you when times are tough. Actually, it's embarrassing to even write this out because this obviously isn't a newsflash, but honestly I think I needed a sort of reminder of that.

We have a beautiful church with a beautiful name (St. Mary of the Lake) practically back-to-back to our apartment, so Sunday, even though I really felt more like sitting around in bed stuffing my face with Twinkies (no chocolate, remember?), I agreed to go with my roommate to one o'clock mass. I was finishing up lunch when she left, so I told her to tell me what side of the church she'd be sitting on so I could go join her. I was putting my dishes away when she called me to tell me not to bother coming...the one o'clock mass was the Spanish mass.

My roommate felt really bad, for some reason, about leaving the Spanish mass, and I couldn't really figure out why. Sure, mass is mass and if you are in desperate need to sit through it, like you're taking a test on it or something, I'm sure you can make it through the Spanish mass but if you want to hear the homily and everything, forget it. "Maybe I could have brushed up on my Spanish," mused my roommate, who, as far as I know, doesn't speak more Spanish than what you'd learn on Sesame Street. "Sure," I said, "But when did you last need to know how to say the Creed in Spanish?"

My roommate was suffering from what many Catholics are familiar with: fairly senseless and somewhat amusing guilt. I suffer from Catholic guilt all the time--the last one was when I moved out of my parents' house. Most young people would probably feel nothing but elation, maybe a little fear, but definitely excitement at the prospect of having their own place. Not me...I felt horrible guilt: I was a bad child! The best part was that my roommates, who all went to Catholic grade school with me, felt guilty too. In fact, when my mom dropped me off at my place and made me feel all sentimental and crap, my roommate (the non-Hispanic-mass-attending one) cried probably as much as I did.

So enlighten me, Mary. What's up with Catholic guilt? What exactly is it, and why? And when was the last time you had it?

MARY

Well, it's difficult to discern the difference between everyday guilt, and Catholic guilt, isn't it? For me, regular guilt is missing a deadline, feeling bad about going to an expensive private college, or sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

And then there's the Catholic guilt that brings with it more emotions, a gnawing in the pit of my stomach, and usually some tears. Catholic guilt makes me a terrible liar. When I was in fourth grade, I remember crying because I felt guilty for not liking a birthday present.

It can be rational or irrational.

But the Christmas before last is the best example of guilt at work. My mom and I hadn't been getting along. She was worried about my health, and I kind of blew it off. I was so grumpy and tired I stayed home from Christmas masses. Then Christmas morning I opened a gift, which was a Miraculous Medal (note to non-Catholics: a Miraculous Medal is a small little medal with the Virgin Mary engraved into it) necklace that used to belong to my grandmother. The note inside the jewelry box it came in was very sweet, and sad, and I spent the rest of the morning crying and feeling guilty. So I wore the necklace all the time, till one day when it disappeared. I looked and looked and looked for it. What's the name for the patron saint of lost things? I didn't have the nerve to tell my mom I lost it till a few weeks later, when I wrote an email and put "my confession" as the subject. My mom was relieved when she realized my confession wasn't earth shattering. Then about a month or so later, I came home from class and found the medal and necklace chain hanging on a hook with the apartments' mailboxes. Somebody had found it and put it in a spot where all the apartment dwellers would see it. I saw this as divine intervention. And I cried with relief.

In short, Catholic guilt = tears and tummy aches.

MARY

Hello Claire,

Something has been bugging me.

For the past couple weeks I've been working on a story for the local newspaper about sex education. More specifically, I'm writing about how George Bush is trying to increase funding for abstinence-only sex education programs. These kinds of programs would eliminate any discussion of STDs or condoms and other birth control methods from sex ed. curriculums.

So I've been talking to local parents and health class instructors about what they teach teenagers. While both parents and teachers say that they tell teens that abstinence is the only 100 percent form of safe sex, they agree that they'd be doing kids a huge disservice by not talking about condoms and STDs. Ignorance is dangerous.

Then my editors wanted me to call over to a local Catholic high school to find out what they teach. So I talked to the principal and to a priest/monk that teaches senior religion class about sexuality and the Church's views. He teaches this in the context of a papal encyclical written in 1968 called Humanae Vitae. This has been the Church's definitive policy on all things sexual. He said that his students learn that sex outside of marriage is innately immoral and wrong, and that all forms of birth control are immoral as well: condoms, birth control pills, all barrier methods, injections like Lunelle and Depo, sterilization, tubal ligation, and all the other forms. In the Church's mind, birth control methods are the same as abortion. The only acceptable form of birth control is the calendar method - or the rhythm method, which all Catholic families know is anything but a sure thing.

Now, I guess this shouldn't have surprised me. I think I was just surprised that the Church hasn't updated their doctrines on this. But I have yet to meet a modern Catholic that doesn't use at least one of the contraceptive methods the Church prohibits.

What is a modern Catholic to do? Interpret these teachings on our own? How realistic is this? You attended Catholic schools growing up didn't you? Maybe you have a better understanding of this?

CLAIRE

God, my views on this are very muddled. Okay, on the one hand, the Catholic Church will never been as enlightened as we'd all like it to be. I'm a Catholic and I think it's a good religion but there are SO many things wrong with it, including no female priests, their views on homosexuality and of course, birth control.

However, as archaic as it's going to make me sound, I think that people should pick their battles with this. I have one particular instance in mind here, and that's regarding my college. I went to Georgetown University, a Jesuit school, and because it's Jesuit, on campus, you could not buy condoms. Lube and pregnancy tests, yes, but not condoms (apparently Georgetown is set for foreplay and pregnancy, but not the part in-between).

To buy condoms (and products that were not Coca-Cola), you had to go off campus. I think it was about a 5 block to CVS, unless you decided to go to one of the campus groups that supplied free condoms. Annoying? Yes. Dark ages? Sure. But semester after semester, students attempted to change Georgetown's ways and force them to sell condoms on campus.

This bugged me. On the one hand, I thought that if you were really staunchly against Catholic traditions, then, well, you shouldn't go to a Catholic school. That's sort of like joining a sorority and complaining that it's too cliquey. You knew it was going to be that way, so why do it? But mostly, it was the implications of the students that bugged me. Many groups claimed that the pregnancy rate on campus would be much lower if you could buy condoms at the student center. Now, you're telling me that you're smart enough to get into Georgetown University, diligent enough to do all your studies and activities, and yet you're dumb enough to have unprotected sex or too lazy to go buy your own damn condoms?

But I suppose that's not really a Catholic issue...

On to my general views of birth control and the church. There are those who say that if you don't adhere to all tenets of the church, if you allow for certain bending of the rules, if you pick and choose what you believe, then you're not really a Catholic.

I think that's bull. Personally.

Let's ignore the Bible. The Bible, after all, was written by people, and not by God or Jesus. Let's focus on what Catholicism was originally about; loving God, being a good Samaritan, thinking about others before yourself and so on. Basically, the life and philosophy of Jesus. (And granted, I know that this is a very liberal reading of Catholicism but it's the way I think of it.)

How does birth control figure into this?

Not at all, I think. Most of my Catholic friends have used birth control, and they consider themselves good Catholics. And you know what? They are. To me (and I reiterate, this is to me, not to my priest, or to the Vatican, or to my parents, or to Georgetown), you can have safe sex, you can be gay, you can have had a divorce. But if you communicate with God, are good to the people you know and the people you don't know and respect yourself and your body, then I think you're essentially a good Catholic.

Remember Mary Magdalene? Remember casting the first stone? You might be a great Catholic in word and deed but if you go around passing judgment on others, then I don't think you're as great a Catholic as you think you are. And if you're not going to heaven because you indulged in safe sex, liked somebody of the same sex or got a divorce, then I don't think I want to go because, Jesus Christ, who WOULD be there?

In short, Mary, to answer your questions: very unrealistic. Interpret it on your own. And I have no better an understanding of this than you do.

But on a more lighthearted note, I still haven't eaten chocolate, even though I've had several dreams where I have.

MARY

You had to go and mention the "c" word didn't you? I forgot life without chocolate was so hard. That said...

Claire, I think you're exactly right about picking your battles. And I agree with you on everything you said. And to help clarify that I'm no Catholic authority, a disclaimer:

I'm a religious ed. drop-out.

I dropped out of my seventh grade CCD class and my high school confirmation classes.

At the time, it made perfect sense. In seventh grade I had a horrible year with self-esteem issues, like plenty of other 13-year-olds, and I was convinced that my whole class was laughing at me whenever I spoke. I hated it. Somehow, I talked my parents into letting me quit.

And then there were high school confirmation classes.

My self-esteem improved greatly during the years in between, but I still hated the classes. My teacher was a born-again Catholic, making her a little more zealous in her rigid beliefs of some of the Church's teachings. She pissed off one of my friends when she said that family pets, dogs and cats, don't go to heaven. Which begged the question: how the hell does she know?!

So, I quit my confirmation classes for the same reason that some people have long engagements or wait a few years before they get married: I didn't want to rush into it. At that point I wasn't sure I wanted to be Catholic if it meant subscribing to all these beliefs that I didn't agree with. I thought there were plenty of kids in my class who were insincere and were just doing it because there parents made them. To their credit, my parents supported me. In hindsight, I wish I'd just sucked it up and done it because I haven't been confirmed since and I've decided I do want to be Catholic.

It's reasons like that make whether or not to agree or disagree with a Church tenet so difficult for me. Hardliners say you can't pick and choose what you want to believe, that you can't have it both ways. But then, I don't know anyone who follows their religion by the book, 100 percent of the time. I know non-churchgoers who have more solid morals than people I see in Church every Sunday.

But I'm optimistic that the Church will evolve and become more accepting. The campus church I went to in college gave me hope for the future of the faith. It helped me see Catholicism in a less black or white way. For now, I'm optimistic that the faith will evolve over time. In the meantime, I'm content to wait and strengthen my faith in the process. And I promise to talk about the many parts of being Catholic that I enjoy next time.