You leave college sans boyfriend, or perhaps you break up with your college beau, and what are you? You're Cathy. You realize that suddenly, after graduation without the comforting, constant coterie of male students (assuming you went to a co-ed school), finding guys ain't what it used to be. In fact, you never had to find them; they were constantly there, in your classes, at the gym, in your dorm, at the cafeteria. You might have had some, you might have had a lot, you might have had none at all, but you could count on the presence of (somewhat) educated men being around you at all times.
I have friends now, who, at the tender age of 24, are starting to sound like our old gal pal from the comics. Forget about the mother troubles, the bathing suit difficulties and the chocolate temptations. Young Cathys all over this fine country can't figure out where to meet a decent guy. The key word here is "decent." And, as a lot of our young adult girlfriends also know, "meet" in the post-college world has a different connotation.
I, for instance, had a college boyfriend. Now I have a non-college boyfriend. There are basic differences between dating someone from your academic institution and someone not. You know what patterns the college sweetie went through, where he ate dinner, what bars he frequented, his class requirements. When you meet a new guy, however, you're starting from scratch in the getting-to-know-you game, as opposed to coming into the game a few points ahead -- not that the getting-to-know-you is bad, but it can be intimidating.
People seem to be having these "relationship" thingies, and less and less are doing the good ol' go to the bar, get drunk, dance to "Hot in Here," go back to his room, yadda yadda yadda, and then do the walk of shame with your shower caddy the next morning.
Once you get that diploma, hooking up becomes a tad retro. You've graduated, and the whole experience of taboo is a bit outdated. You've no longer just escaped the control of your parents, and freedom is no longer a novelty. It's like drinking; once you turn 21, its mystery and danger disappears, so you don't booze it up anymore. It's the same thing with casual sex post-college. The men in your friends' lives have actual names, not "White Hat Backwards Guy" or "Biology Boy" or "What's His Face Who Threw Up in My Extra Long Twin and Left Before I Woke Up."
More girls are looking for good old-fashioned relationships -- the guy who will screw in your lightbulbs and take you grocery shopping, as well as the other stuff you used to do in college.
Herein comes the Cathy.
How do you find a guy once you're out of college?
When you were in college, if you didn't meet him in class, you met him in your dorm. And then there was the old failsafe, the bars. But as you get older and wiser, something about meeting your new guy in a bar isn't quite as attractive. The person you are at the club or the bar is probably not the same person you are the rest of the day, and it's the same the other way around. You're not terribly likely to get to know the "real" person behind someone you meet at a bar. And yelling your occupation and what you think about politics into somebody's ear as you sip overpriced Amstel Lights can be disheartening.
Undoubtedly, your parents will say, "Oh, you young people have all sorts of ways to meet other people." As far as I can tell, the only unstructured way there is to meet potential relationshipees is either at work (bad idea) or at a bar (not always a great idea).
"Well," say your parents when you return to them with this information. "Aren't there clubs and groups you can join?"
Ah ha! And therein lies the Cathy. Because you realize there is no way, no matter how they dress it up and add words like "power" and "extreme" and "hot," no matter how casual it seems, that joining a group doesn't smack just a little of Oldness. It could be a running club, a wine tasting group or a writing class, but if you're going there with the slightest intention of meeting a potential love interest, you realize you're in danger of sliding more quickly into other stereotypes of the not-so-young young lady. Do you have to laugh at comediennes who end jokes with "Am I right, ladies?" Do you and your girlfriends have to sit around in terrycloth robes eating cheesecake? Do you have to get a small dog and dress it up in a sweater and bring it to the grocery store with you in that little cart you tote to and from the store?
Nah. Calm down. Just because you're growing up, settling down a little and more cautiously keeping an eye out for a potential mate doesn't mean you have to start speaking daily affirmations about how you believe in love. In fact, you don't even have to try that hard. My friends in relationships met their post-college beaux via e-mail, or through mutual friends, or bumped into them on the street, or even through alumni clubs.
Just because the guys don't come as easy as they used to doesn't mean you have to try too hard. You might have to try a little, but that doesn't mean you're necessarily getting too much older; just wiser.
Claire Zulkey lives in Chicago and is currently between "real jobs" (although she thinks she might be getting one soon). In the meantime, she freelance writes a lot -- you can find the fruits of her labor at www.zulkey.com.
Ten years from now, Claire will no longer be in her 20s.
