As I sit in my chair that swivels to and fro, I am thinking about you, the love of my life ("lives" if you're into Hinduism). As you are no doubt aware, most holidays I tell you of all the wonderful things I will be presenting to you or of things I will do to/for/near you. This Halloween, a holiday celebrated by millions, is no different. So baby, on this All Hallows Eve Eve, I give you this sexy list of things and stuffs.
My sweet potato, I want to dress you up like a nun, in a costume I have purchased using my Discover card. When I am trying to seduce you, you will feel the need to remind me that seducing a nun is unholy and, by most accounts, very wrong. Damn!
Honey pot, I will carve a pumpkin with a heart in the middle and our names surrounding it. When a candle is lit inside, this ceremonial bond of our love will be displayed for all our neighbors to see. I will not stuff all the pumpkin innards under your pillow this year; I promise we will not have a fiasco similar to years previous.
Gregarious goddess, in the morning, before you rise to take your shower and fluff your hairs, I will quietly sneak out of bed and replace myself on the bed with a life-sized bronze statue of C. Everett Coop. You might not think it frightening now, but you'll realize the fear you have of waking next to a former Surgeon General in the morning. I have prepared towels in case you vomit.
Being of great divinity, when the trick-or-treaters come to our door expressing their desire for sweets, I will turn them away with my vulgarity-filled screams, fearful they are trying to steal you from me.
Fancy face, if we are at a Halloween party that features a contest where the best costume wins and you do not, I will follow the winner home after the party, eventually saying to him or her, "Nice costume!", though I meant to say something mean. Damn!
Toiling temptress, while you sleep, I will spray paint your golden locks black and paint your fingernails, so they share an equally dark coloration. I will also rub toads against your skin, so you grow dozens upon dozens of warts. I believe you will find this wonderfully perfect, still looking like an evil witch well into November.
Radiant princess, this holiday calls for some special gifts. Among the sack of presents I will bring are keys I found in my couch, a comb with some missing pieces, and Bob Eubanks, host of the Newlywed Game!
Contagious cutie, I think there is nothing sexier than a woman, such as you are, dressed up like a French maid for Halloween. Unfortunately, the costume store was out of this particular style, so I've purchased you a maid outfit from Bulgaria. It's very similar, except that there is more padding, it weighs 52 pounds, and it's a shade of brown like none you've ever seen.
Voluptuous vixen, for this holiday of ghosts and ghouls, I want to buy you a steamer trunk, just because I'm not sure what a steamer trunk is.
My debutante dame, I am going to find you a jet-black hearse to rent. You may drive it slowly around your neighborhood, pointing at people and saying, "There's room for one more." I will not be joining you, because that's really disturbing, girl. You should know better.
Bodacious belle, don't you think it might be funny if I hand out white powder to the children tomorrow, thus making them believe they've been given a lethal dose of Anthrax? Me neither. I was just asking.
Sanctimonious sweetheart, while you're at work tomorrow, I will break into your apartment and decorate it with scary accoutrements, such as live rats, pictures of severed heads, fake blood on the walls and realistic mannequins that resemble axe-wielding maniacs. When you arrive home, you will scream because you will think your house has been vandalized. Not to worry sweetie, I'm sure you'll be able to clean most of this up in a day or so.
Flaxen-haired heartbreaker, you'd better call poison control. I think I ate some tainted Raisinets. Hurry!
Heavenly queen, I know that some people think Halloween is a holiday of pagans and devil worshipers. I will buy you a book explaining its Judea-Christian roots that you can use when you try to explain why its celebration is not bad. That ought to shut your goddamned grandma up.
And so, my dear sweet woman, you will come to know how wonderful I am tomorrow morning, Halloween. You will be full of smiles and sunshine, because I've laced your coffee with LSD. But you will also have dread and terrible visions of horror, because I didn't pay much for the LSD, and the guy who sold it to me probably wasn't the most reliable fella. Happy Halloween, Honey!
