For this, the day that ousted Ash Wednesday as the most romantic of all holidays, I will be loving you up and down both night and day. There will be breaks every few hours, wherein we can ingest nourishing fluids, such as Ovaltine. Here is a list of sexy things I would like to do for you...
Wonderful lady, I want to buy you a dress that has storage compartments -- perhaps on the sleeves -- that can be used to store grain.
Sexy love slave, when I look into your eyes, I see mostly white. But girl, there are also some dark parts in there somewhere, usually in the middle. I would like to buy you a Styrofoam clam.
Reason for my existence, when you asked for those new bed sheets last winter, I did not deliver. I still feel terrible about it, like my heart has been ripped out, but somehow (possibly due to new medical inventions) it continues to beat, though rather painfully. The sheets I have purchased are like none you've ever seen. They are off-white.
Darling, I saw a picture frame at the store that you would like. As it was too expensive, I bought you a stray dog. Be careful, woman! It looks angry.
Purveyor of sexiness, when you are dancing, I often notice that you're shoes don't look like they belong in such a fancy nightclub. I have called the health inspector, and he will soon close the place down.
Crown jewel of my heart, I have spoken to your mother. Together, we have invested in a company that manufactures radio-controlled cars for chipmunks.
Libido machine, you are right to gasp when you open your refrigerator, for it is then I will know you have found my gift to you: a picture of me selling your couch.
Aficionado of being hot, I want you to be forever happy. That is why I have enlisted the help of a surgeon to correct your horrifyingly crippling posture. He will charge very little, because he is not from this country.
Foxy feline, you will not know it until you wake, but during the night, I replaced your fish with a tape dispenser of the same color.
One of perpetual cuteness, as my one and only, I think you deserve this cumbersome piece of iron ore (the man who sold it to me said it keeps away banshees and other such demons).
Beauty of Butte, I discovered the perfect gift for you just the other day, but have since forgotten what it was. Perhaps this handful of marbles and misshapen toothpicks will suffice.
Eradicator of ugliness, when I was at the mall looking for gifts, I realized you must only have the best. That is why I have purchased you a machine that produces sausages very similar to those served at IHOP, except they are neon-colored.
Love minstrel, please don't run over the blind mariaches on your way down the driveway. They are there to serenade you in their sweet, blind ways.
Sunshine factory, I bought you the new Cher album, but after discovering that you already own it, I scratched the bottom with a rock so it will sound like a remix when played.
Girl, the gift of xylophones is the greatest gift of all.
Woman, please enjoy your Valentine's Day with me. Together, we will learn once more what it is to love and cherish each other. I will also learn where my cousin has been for the last two years. This is because he will call.
