Good news: It's finally okay to be gay, live in Texas and have anal sex.
Bad news: Only five gays live in Texas. And anal sex smells.

Good news: But thanks to six out of nine Supreme Court Justices, it's now legal to have anal sex in all fifty states.
Bad news: Anal sex will still smell.

Good news: Wanting to have anal sex in the privacy of their chambers, the court ruled in a 6-3 decision that anti-sodomy laws are illegal and violate the right to privacy.
Bad news: That won't stop Internet pirates from circulating the tape. Good news: In his dissenting opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia said "the court has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agenda" and noted that he has "nothing against homosexuals."
Bad news: I think he's taken, boys.

Good news: Scalia and the other dissenting justices, Clarence Thomas and William Rehnquist, are probably excellent golf players.
Bad news: That's about the only nice thing I can think to say about them.

Good news: There are six justices on the Supreme Court that, though their golf games likely suffer, are in touch with reality and view homosexuality as a normal, if not smelly, way of life.
Bad news: Two, maybe three of those six are thinking about retiring or dying. Whichever comes first.

Good news: Knowing George Bush was going to president before we did, the justices took money out of the stock market right before he took office, so they'll die or retire in peace.
Bad news: They left us George Bush as our president.

Good news: I'm handsome (that's good news for me, anyway).
Bad news: When the three justices retire, Bush will likely replace them with justices with excellent golf games but think anal sex should be illegal.

Good news: Hopefully they'll have "nothing against homosexuals."
Bad news: Gays want all the things that straight people are entitled to: marriage and the tax and health insurance benefits that come with it, the right to make legal and medical decisions for their partner when they're incapacitated, and the right to be open and join the military.

Good news: They can still buy a McGriddle sandwich whenever they want it.
Bad news: At some point in the future, important legal cases that will decide the future of gay rights will confront the Supreme Court, and they will make laws much more significant than a ban on sodomy that was rarely actually enforced. And with justices that can only boast a great golf game making those decisions, don't expect the same kind of outcomes.

Good news: But at least you can live in Texas and have anal sex.
Bad news: It's still gonna smell.

Brandon Stahl is an editor of LostBrain.com.